Feeling Defeated over Feeling Defeated.

As I sit down to write, I honestly do not know what I am wanting to write about or even why I am writing because it is not something I necessarily want to share. Blogging is such a strange balance of being open, but not like a diary. It will probably be the most scatter-brained blog ever to have been written, so just a heads up.

Until two hours ago, I had no plans to write anything because I have felt quite defeated lately. In one of my classes, every week we have several games, brain teasers, or tasks to make us think about different aspects of our lives, most of them geared towards self-help with a thought-provoking lesson attached to it. There is  at least one every week that always gets my wheels turning. One task for today involved writing three lies that we believe about ourselves, and it was no shock to me that my list of negative things could go on for days.

I want to be a consistent blogger, but I also do not want to write about things that I do not even have the ability to say I believe them for my own life. It  feels fake to write about "confidence" or "vulnerability" or "taking opportunities" or "stepping out of your comfort zone" when I still feel so inadequate. In all transparency, I am still learning how to be confident in who I am, how to be vulnerable with other people, what opportunities to take, the fact that accepting change is scary, and a million other things. If I write about those things, it must be because I am not longer struggling with them, right? It must be because I believe in my heart everything that is coming out of my fingers, right? If I haven't mastered them yet, I need to at least make the blog look like I discovered something profound, right?

Wrong, so wrong, but that is what I have always thought. I have not mastered any of those things above yet, and quite honestly, I feel like the things that I am learning the most right now are all topics that I am very far from believing or mastering. My brain feels like a big mass of thoughts that I am constantly dissecting. People can tell me things about myself all day long, but I am figuring out that until I really believe it for myself, it will make me feel good for while and with time it will fade. I cannot put my hope in other people for permanent fulfillment.

It's about believing that I was created worthy of knowing, worthy of love, worthy of being vulnerable and having people seeing my strengths and asking me for help.
It's about accepting that I may not know what opportunities are "right" because I can only see one step in front of me and that is okay.
It's about knowing that even when I do take risks, being scared is okay. 

It's about knowing that the fact that I have a love for other people so deep that it hurts is there for a reason, and I am worthy of expressing that.

This season of my life isn't a picture perfect thing where every week or month I have this huge concept that I have suddenly grasped and my life is forever changed. This season of my life is very puzzling and an emotional roller coaster with so much going on, things I may not even see or realize yet. My decision making is very slow and thought out, so I believe the Lord knows it will take me a while to grasp lessons that He so desperately wants to teach me, if I will continue to listen.

It's not about looking at other people to "be like them" because they have mastered something I can only dream of even seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Because chances are, they're looking at me thinking the exact same thing.
Now, even typing that statement out feels weird because I cannot even possibly imagine someone wanting to be like me in any aspect. I am odd and feeble and needy. However, I do know that comparison is a natural human mechanism. The question is, are we ever going to be able fully love ourselves? Or are we always going to believe lies that are planted in our mind?

That we are never adequate enough.

That tears are a sign of weakness. 

That we are a burden to everyone else. 

That we can never be successful.

That we are not capable of being leaders. 

That we are meant to be lonely.

That encouraging others is not necessary. 

That no one can ever understand us, so we don't deserve community. 

That we are not as good as someone else. 

That we will never meet our goals. 

That we will never feel complete joy ever again. 

That we are always second choice.

That we will never be more than our story tells us we are.

These are just a small handful of lies I came up with- it is a shame for me to admit how many of those are actually lies deep rooted within my own heart.

When are we going to start believing truth? Because the truth is, we are more than enough.

We are loved exactly where we are.
We can be broken.
We were meant for community.
There are people that do care deeply about us, even if they do not know how to show it completely because they're human too, searching for the same validation in some way.
We can be leaders because there is probably someone looking up to you every day that may never know how to voice that.
That we don't have to mimic someone else to feel worthy. 

We can love people deeply, and we should.
That our joy is not circumstantial, but rather it is a permanent gift we can accept, given to us in exchange for our scars and striving. 

That our words are meaningful, whether they are voiced or just space left for them. 

That whether you know it or not, there is Creator who has your name etched on the palm of His hand.

The reality is not everyone struggles with these same things, and I do not expect this to resonate with everyone. However, coming full circle back to the game, after reading what some other girls put on their cards, I realize they do believe a lot of the same lies as I do which means there is someone that needs this, and I can only hope that it gets to that person.

I encourage whoever reads this to make your own list. Write down the lies that you believe-things you know aren't true for other people but that you believe about yourself, whatever they may be about even if those lies are not related to this post at all. And then, counteract those lies. Counteract them with truth, even if you don't "believe" it right now. Just voicing them is a step.

I guess my final words to sum up this word vomit would be to know that you don't have to have it all together. My entire life has been attempting to get there, to overcome and believe things that I just don't yet.We are incapable of being capable (boy, that can be a freeing statement). You don't have to have learned this great big lesson and feel like life is all put together. It's okay to not know the perfect balance of vulnerability or to know exactly what the future looks like. And even though I still feel awkward writing about this because I don't feel like I can help  people overcome something that I haven't gotten to the other side either, I also was tired of feeling defeated over the fact that I am feeling defeated. So basically, I am here to finish with the fact that I am strangely learning that this is just a part of my story- and that my story is still worth fighting for. 

"I know that the experiences of our lives [when we let God use them] will become the mysterious preparation for the work He will have us do." Corrie Ten Boom