"If you will climb to the heights this once with the companions I have chosen for you, even though it may seem very long and in some places a very difficult journey, I promise you that you will develop hinds' feet."
I have been reading a book by Hannah Hurnard called "Hinds' Feet On High Places," and it is truly rocking my world. This quote is the epitome of what it means to me to follow Jesus day by day, and picking it up to read exactly one month ago is evidence of God's perfect timing.
If anyone has known me for any length of time, they know I am a huge worrier and like to panic and over-analyze everything. Every thought I have, every word someone speaks to me, serious or jokingly, every moment coming up, every circumstance I am in and the reasoning behind it. I don't like to be surprised; I like to know what it coming. I plan out my days and how long it will take to do something, and even my "being spontaneous" I can almost say with certainty that the new plan had crossed my mind at some point, so I wouldn't be thrown off guard. I like to ask questions and know details. Whenever things are happening that I don't know what to expect, it makes me extremely nervous. It's just a part of my personality that I am working on. I am learning to be who Jesus is by making a more conscious effort to be more spontaneous, and more okay with sometimes NOT KNOWING.
About a month ago, I reapplied to be a Resident Assistant at school, and began thinking about what dorm I wanted to pref/why I wanted it. My mind was spinning in all directions because I knew that no matter where I preffed, God was going to grow me and teach me and put me exactly where He needed me, but the fact that I wouldn't know that place for a whole 6 weeks was eating me alive. I feel like I need to know before His timing; while He has time and time again proven to me that His timing is always more perfect, I still seem to doubt that I should wait as long as necessary, and I panic. Long story short, I preffed, and then had multiple breakdowns along the way. I refused to let myself believe that the professional staff hiring us really knew, because I felt like I knew where I belonged next year..what if they didn't? For weeks, it consumed my thoughts and even led to other things like believing that the places I wanted to be wouldn't hire me because I wasn't good enough for them or cool enough or wouldn't be right there. I took every word and thought anyone gave me and ran with it "what did they really mean" or "why I felt like none of this would work out."
This seems so silly to even fret over, especially since I have been through the RA hiring process the first time already, and it didn't do this to me then. However, I can now confidently say the Lord is teaching me so much about expecting Him to do great things through this and in all other areas of my life. Reading this book about developing hinds' feet has allowed me to understand that PAIN and LOVE go together, and that a "companion" in my life that He uses so often to show His faithfulness is Worry. The times I have really understood the depth of God's love is when I am struggling or broken or hurting or freaking out over something, and every single time, He brings me back up again. He sweeps me off my feet in the best way possible. He whispers into my ear "YOU, my darling daughter, are beautiful and righteous in my eyes." He sings Song of Solomon 4:7 over me when I need it most. When I am anxious, He reminds me of Philippians 4:6 over and over. He has never abandoned me in my hardest, darkest points of life, or my highest mountaintops, or anything in between. He loves me even when I do worry and question His best for me, even though He knows I will mess up again.
Now, I am still unaware of where I am placed for next year, and in the grand scheme of life, this is not a mountain, only a molehill. However, He has been using this particular circumstance to impress upon my heart that regardless, I AM HIS. The placement doesn't matter, what matters is how I am going to use my life to praise Him and love people wholeheartedly.
Learning that He calls me worthy.
Learning that His ways are above my ways.
Learning that I am seen as righteous.
Learning that it is a privilege to suffer for Jesus.
Learning that He made me, worrying and all, perfectly.
Learning that He took my sins and made me pure.
Learning that not knowing is the best thing I could ask for.
Learning that when God says no to what we want, that it's okay.
Learning to hold on with PATIENT EXPECTATION.
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