LOVE and its infinite forms.

"Yes, love is all you need. But love takes many forms."

-SUSAN CAIN-

Most of my life, I have been naive to think that all people will show and feel love the same way. Sure, there is a love language test that does give indicator to what we prefer (you should take it), but it isn't the end all be all.After all, God IS love, so He certainly created an infinite number of ways to show it. Love can be shown in so many different ways, not just those summed up in five dimensions, and I see that I have failed to recognize that.

I adore words, particularly letters, probably a little too much. Written words, even if's it's just a sticky note, say to me "this person cared enough to pick up pen and paper and write it down." Written words are the only words I really absorb. However, it has become an issue that I have taken that to mean if a person doesn't write down that they love me, then they must not. How silly of me?

Our generation has lost the art of letter writing, so we typically only write people if they're spending a summer at a camp or in another country, or we write at the convenience of a person having a dry erase board outside their door, a quick "You rock" or "You are beautiful," which makes it really hard for those of us that do crave that form of interaction to really grasp what it means to feel loved. 

Now, my capacity to feel love is not too strong, as much as I wish it were. I am quick to be critical of myself and justify in my head why someone does or does not care much about me, whether or not they have used written words or not. It's something I have been thinking a lot about, and something I have begun to notice is this: love can be shown in ALL sorts of ways. 

Not everyone writes it out.
Not everyone is able or wants to spend time with a person all the time (introverts out there, yes).
Not everyone will do your dishes or fold your laundry.
Not everyone will hug you at first sight or rub your back to tell you that they're there.
Not everyone will always pay for your Chickfila, or give you a book for no particular reason.
Not everyone even voices it explicitly when they love someone at all because emotions are hard for some people.

Actually, sometimes love is hard to recognize, but it's almost always there. 

Sometimes it comes in the form of a telling jokes or out of laughter with another person.
Sometimes it's when someone sees you in the hallway and smiles- that isn't always just out of politeness, but maybe that their intuition told them you needed that smile.
Sometimes love is when someone sends you a message and talks about something they're struggling with, or maybe they accidentally unload some deep parts of their heart on you. This isn't always by accident but sometimes because they are really comfortable with you and admire your ability to listen.
Sometimes love comes in the form of tears because a person feels like they can be vulnerable with you. 

Sometimes love comes through writing a your favorite quote and sticking it on your friend's door because you want them to see it's beauty, too.

Sometimes love is when someone realizes that another person recognizes the deeper things in life, and finally understands them in a whole new way. 

Sometimes love is when a person stays up talking to you  and laughing over funny pictures until 2am, even when they have an early class the next day.
Sometimes love is offering up your space for another person that needs it for a little while. 

Sometimes love comes when a person who typically hates physical touch hugs you- think about it, if they hug you it must be because you mean a lot to them.
Sometimes love is knowing that someone thinks of you when they see your favorite thing on social media- keep in mind that they may not always tell you they were thinking about you, but they do. 

Sometimes love comes when someone asks you how you're doing. Could it be because they genuinely want to know?
Sometimes love is when someone sits down to pray and you are in their prayer journal [but you don't always know that]. 

I could go on for days because of how fresh this realization is of what how big of a concept love really is. I think love is whatever you want to make it. People all the time go through seasons of feeling like no one really understands or cares because they haven't done something. I know I am the world's worst that if someone doesn't reply to a text message or check on me after a big event in my life that they knew about or if they've never written me a letter or anything like that, it must mean that I am not important to them. I find it hard to accept love. However, I think I am seeing that love is displayed differently, and it doesn't always always have to be in public or even told to anyone. Sometimes it's so subtle, but that doesn't mean that no one cares. Perhaps we just have to learn to appreciate love in things that don't seem that way immediately. I encourage anyone out there struggling accept love or feel understood to take a step back- try to recognize the little things. You've probably got someone that is open and ready to love you, however they may show that. And I don't mean the "I love pizza" love either.

You are probably the reason that somewhere, someone isn't giving up, so don't give up on yourself so quickly. 

Feeling Defeated over Feeling Defeated.

As I sit down to write, I honestly do not know what I am wanting to write about or even why I am writing because it is not something I necessarily want to share. Blogging is such a strange balance of being open, but not like a diary. It will probably be the most scatter-brained blog ever to have been written, so just a heads up.

Until two hours ago, I had no plans to write anything because I have felt quite defeated lately. In one of my classes, every week we have several games, brain teasers, or tasks to make us think about different aspects of our lives, most of them geared towards self-help with a thought-provoking lesson attached to it. There is  at least one every week that always gets my wheels turning. One task for today involved writing three lies that we believe about ourselves, and it was no shock to me that my list of negative things could go on for days.

I want to be a consistent blogger, but I also do not want to write about things that I do not even have the ability to say I believe them for my own life. It  feels fake to write about "confidence" or "vulnerability" or "taking opportunities" or "stepping out of your comfort zone" when I still feel so inadequate. In all transparency, I am still learning how to be confident in who I am, how to be vulnerable with other people, what opportunities to take, the fact that accepting change is scary, and a million other things. If I write about those things, it must be because I am not longer struggling with them, right? It must be because I believe in my heart everything that is coming out of my fingers, right? If I haven't mastered them yet, I need to at least make the blog look like I discovered something profound, right?

Wrong, so wrong, but that is what I have always thought. I have not mastered any of those things above yet, and quite honestly, I feel like the things that I am learning the most right now are all topics that I am very far from believing or mastering. My brain feels like a big mass of thoughts that I am constantly dissecting. People can tell me things about myself all day long, but I am figuring out that until I really believe it for myself, it will make me feel good for while and with time it will fade. I cannot put my hope in other people for permanent fulfillment.

It's about believing that I was created worthy of knowing, worthy of love, worthy of being vulnerable and having people seeing my strengths and asking me for help.
It's about accepting that I may not know what opportunities are "right" because I can only see one step in front of me and that is okay.
It's about knowing that even when I do take risks, being scared is okay. 

It's about knowing that the fact that I have a love for other people so deep that it hurts is there for a reason, and I am worthy of expressing that.

This season of my life isn't a picture perfect thing where every week or month I have this huge concept that I have suddenly grasped and my life is forever changed. This season of my life is very puzzling and an emotional roller coaster with so much going on, things I may not even see or realize yet. My decision making is very slow and thought out, so I believe the Lord knows it will take me a while to grasp lessons that He so desperately wants to teach me, if I will continue to listen.

It's not about looking at other people to "be like them" because they have mastered something I can only dream of even seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Because chances are, they're looking at me thinking the exact same thing.
Now, even typing that statement out feels weird because I cannot even possibly imagine someone wanting to be like me in any aspect. I am odd and feeble and needy. However, I do know that comparison is a natural human mechanism. The question is, are we ever going to be able fully love ourselves? Or are we always going to believe lies that are planted in our mind?

That we are never adequate enough.

That tears are a sign of weakness. 

That we are a burden to everyone else. 

That we can never be successful.

That we are not capable of being leaders. 

That we are meant to be lonely.

That encouraging others is not necessary. 

That no one can ever understand us, so we don't deserve community. 

That we are not as good as someone else. 

That we will never meet our goals. 

That we will never feel complete joy ever again. 

That we are always second choice.

That we will never be more than our story tells us we are.

These are just a small handful of lies I came up with- it is a shame for me to admit how many of those are actually lies deep rooted within my own heart.

When are we going to start believing truth? Because the truth is, we are more than enough.

We are loved exactly where we are.
We can be broken.
We were meant for community.
There are people that do care deeply about us, even if they do not know how to show it completely because they're human too, searching for the same validation in some way.
We can be leaders because there is probably someone looking up to you every day that may never know how to voice that.
That we don't have to mimic someone else to feel worthy. 

We can love people deeply, and we should.
That our joy is not circumstantial, but rather it is a permanent gift we can accept, given to us in exchange for our scars and striving. 

That our words are meaningful, whether they are voiced or just space left for them. 

That whether you know it or not, there is Creator who has your name etched on the palm of His hand.

The reality is not everyone struggles with these same things, and I do not expect this to resonate with everyone. However, coming full circle back to the game, after reading what some other girls put on their cards, I realize they do believe a lot of the same lies as I do which means there is someone that needs this, and I can only hope that it gets to that person.

I encourage whoever reads this to make your own list. Write down the lies that you believe-things you know aren't true for other people but that you believe about yourself, whatever they may be about even if those lies are not related to this post at all. And then, counteract those lies. Counteract them with truth, even if you don't "believe" it right now. Just voicing them is a step.

I guess my final words to sum up this word vomit would be to know that you don't have to have it all together. My entire life has been attempting to get there, to overcome and believe things that I just don't yet.We are incapable of being capable (boy, that can be a freeing statement). You don't have to have learned this great big lesson and feel like life is all put together. It's okay to not know the perfect balance of vulnerability or to know exactly what the future looks like. And even though I still feel awkward writing about this because I don't feel like I can help  people overcome something that I haven't gotten to the other side either, I also was tired of feeling defeated over the fact that I am feeling defeated. So basically, I am here to finish with the fact that I am strangely learning that this is just a part of my story- and that my story is still worth fighting for. 

"I know that the experiences of our lives [when we let God use them] will become the mysterious preparation for the work He will have us do." Corrie Ten Boom