Tiny Towns

"What if the path we you choose becomes a road, 

what if the ground you take becomes a home?" 

-The Voyage, Amanda Cook

This song was what got me through the thought of moving to the other side of the country. It's part of what taught me that sometimes the most random, tiny towns can be impactful in our life. Beaver Falls, Pennsylvania has certainly been that. It's official that I have almost finished a year of Residence Director life and graduate school here at Geneva College. I have grown up a ton in the last 12 months.

I have tried to write this several times. This past year has held more in my life than I could have ever imagined, so trying to pick and choose what to share seems overwhelming. I keep getting the question from people back in Mississippi asking how I am adjusting to a new job, graduate school, a new culture, the snow, etc. It's difficult to answer such a loaded question, having the desire to answer with more than just "So good!" Since I can't tell every detail, I figured I would leave a these few snippets of things here:

I would venture to say that I have learned more about myself- my struggles, my quirks, my talents, the things that make me laugh, the moments that make me cry- in the last year than I even did in the last 4 years of undergrad- which was already a tremendous amount.

First off, I absolutely love the snow. It's the most beautiful interaction with nature I have ever experienced with white trees and each unique flake and a tangible picture of mercy- not a fan of the snow in what I have always known as Spring though, so hopeful for flowers and green soon!!

I was given a sense of safe community almost instantly between Geneva and my church. Strangely, I have yet to feel much of the sense of loneliness and lack of care that I was preparing myself to find coming here.

I have a incredible staff of support on the Residence Life team. Prayer warriors, calming presences, authentic, appropriately assertive, question asking, people that love to laugh and make others laugh, analytical, compassionate, thoughtful...I could go on about this team as a whole and how I enjoy working with them. They are showing me more to not shy away from difficult conversations or ignore what is best for myself at the expense of others.

There are key families and people here that have been solid for me as well. I love the genuine "welcome to my family" that I have felt that is not out of any obligation of politeness but rather a true desire to let someone in. I have been given wise counsel that does not push me away as a natural question asker. I have friendships that remind me to laugh even in the midst of serious moments, but that it's also okay not to be okay.

By the end of this summer, I will have about completed the first 7 of my 12 classes in the Higher Education program, which will feel like quite the accomplishment for sure. The professors in this program have been so helpful, extending grace and understanding during the times I have felt like a failure.

My RA's have taught me much more than a blog could hold. It is not an easy task, coming into a role which was supposed to be filled by someone else, a role that I had no idea what the position really held.  I have seen them grow this year, maybe in ways they don't realize is even noticeable. I have seen growth in my own confidence because of these women. It has not been all rainbows and sunshine, but I have learned that anything worth loving comes with a particular mess. Working with students is beyond what I could have imagined and stretches in ways I never saw coming.

As much as all of this looks like it's been a skip in the park, this past has also held some incredibly difficult things for me. I have been learning to trust the Lord and His goodness in a way that I have never had to before. I am currently wrestling with what it means to be okay with letting people all the way in- a hard task. My friends have also experienced tough moments, and I am seeing what it means to be compassionate to another person's story that is vastly different from my own, and how to walk in it with them, just like I would want for myself.

I say all of this not to say I have it all figured out (will I ever?)- I say it to express my thankfulness for this season of my life- college seniors, rest assured that it will be okay wherever you end up. I hope that something I said in here was able to resonate with you in some way. It is crazy to look back and see that even when we do not notice it, the Lord is always in our midst.

It's easy to say that I have fallen in love with this place. It feels like home,

and if it were up to me I would probably never leave. 

Current Favorite Worship Songs:
- All My Hope by Crowder
- Reckless Love by Cory Asbury
- Jesus I Come by Elevation
- You're Still Good by North Campus Worship
- The Sun is Rising by Britt Nicole
- Dear Me by Nicole Nordeman
- The Voyage by Amanda Cook
- Hope of All Hearts by PlanetShakers

I want to give up being "comfortable."

I graduate in exactly five months from today. That's an insane thought because I feel like I just got to college yesterday...but that's another blog for another day. However, I do want to share something quickly that relates to the subject I've been thinking about lately. When we are making big decisions, waiting on an answer to prayer, or looking at the days ahead, do we truly trust God? 

Now, I am not usually a "blog my devotions" type of person, and I am really still learning what I want my blog to look like; but I feel like someone needs this one for whatever reason. In this last few days, I have been reading from the Bible YouVersion app, and it has been so good for me thus far. I absolutely love that I can pick from almost any topic and there is a devotional/bible readings to go with it. I can highlight things I like, take notes, and save things I like for later. Anyways, today I was reading a devotional based off of the book of Hosea, all about how he was trusting God in the midst of despair, and loving relentlessly when it didn't make sense. Here's a little piece of what it says, for context: 

"Trusting God is actually more difficult than we might like to admit. We’ll heartily agree with God on what needs to get done, but we’ll rarely ask how He wants to use us. Many people trust God only as far as He validates their own plans and dreams. 

You might have some ideas about where you’ll serve and how your ministry might look. But if God leads you someplace outside of your plan, it might feel like a bait-and-switch. One of the greatest postures you can develop as an emerging leader is to trust in the midst of seemingly confusing circumstances. Cultivate the discipline of trust and an understanding of your passion will follow."

Talk about stepping on my toes.... So often, I'll ask God what His plan is for me, but I don't want to follow Him where He leads me. I want to stay comfortable. I want to give Him options of what I want, and ask Him to choose one. With finding a graduate school and a job for post-graduaition, I will say things like 

• "God, which school do I go to, here's my choices..." or
• "Okay, use me how You want...but if I have to do this, I can't do it." or 
• "I want you to deepen my relationship with You, but I don't want to suffer in any way."

But yet, if you'd ask me, I would say that I say I trust Him completely. How ridiculous is that? I only want what MY dreams are, MY plans, what feels good to ME. I have a comfort zone, and I want to stay in it ultimately.

{News Flash: Following Jesus is not usually, "comfortable"}

The devotional ends by ends by saying "Which do you find yourself expressing more often to God: your need for clarity ('What do I do?') Or your expression of trust ('I will follow You.')" 

I don't know how everyone would answer this, but my guess is if you're anything like me, you'd say the former. I want to become someone that truly wants to be taken deeper with the Lord. I want to come boldly to Him asking Him to not only show me, but to be ready to actually go where He leads. And sometimes I may not know what that looks like until I step out, TRUSTING Him. Some of the best parts of my life have come from jumping with two feet, trusting God. Why is it that He proves Himself faithful, yet each time I act like I know me better than He does?

If God asked you to give up the most important thing in your life to follow Him so that He may use you, would you do it? I can tell you right now, I wouldn't do it. I would ask for a way out, another option. But the thing is, Jesus did not ask for another option when He died such a painful death, a sacrifice so that we may LIVE. He trusted God. 

I want to trust God that way. I want to trade in my need to be comfortable. 

"And further and further, my heart moves away from the shore

Whatever it looks like, whatever may come I am Yours

Then You crash over me, and I've lost control but I'm free

I'm going under, I'm in over my head."

~In Over My Head, Bethel~

Pick up the pieces or the puzzle won't work

Puzzles are simultaneously my greatest enemy and my best friend.

They require diligence and patience amidst frustration and obstacles. 

At first, they look confusing and hard, but grow more and more beautiful as completion nears. .

Over the last several months, and even more so in the last two weeks, the concept puzzles have been greatly impressed on me, whether that be through words or people or not-so-random things.

I like challenge. I like to seek out the things that for me are difficult to step into. Maybe that is a 5,000 piece jigsaw with pieces that look so blended and similar, or maybe it's a fragile, tangled necklace or set of headphones with a gigantic knot. Maybe it's a room or house that looks like something off the reality TV show, Hoarding, that you look at and think "where do I even start?" Maybe it's the crazy act of doing a Rubik's Cube to warp your brain for a while.

The knots and puzzles and mysteries and messy spaces are my favorite pastimes. I love things that look like a mountain from the outside. I love when my first reaction to something is "this is going to be hard" because my next thought is usually "Just watch me."

It may be really hard. It may be really scary, and frankly as I get further in I usually question why I started it (i.e. camp last summer in a far away place). I inevitably resist change of seasons and dread the start of something perplexing and unusual, when I could choose to stay safe. However, at the end of that change is always the start of something brand new, a new "puzzle" in life to tackle, a mystery to me.

You figure out the puzzle by continuing to pick up more pieces and try them out until one fits perfectly. Take for example, the Rubik's cube- you keep twisting it around until you can complete all six sides of color. Sometimes you have to quit for a while, or sometimes you complete only one side but then realize that you messed it up in pursuit of that next color.

If you give up on life's puzzles (less than ideal circumstances) at the first sign of hardship, where is the reward in seeing the growth of the puzzle, and eventually seeing all of the beauty and work come together after such a time?

Did you know that there are people that are puzzles? They take diligence and patience, too. Someone that no one seems to really understand or care to dig past the surface to perhaps unlock their heart to truly hear that them- to truly hear that all of their paradoxical self is deeply loved and so worth getting to know.

Humans are such enigmas, but the problem is that most of us do not realize it because we do not take the time to see the enigma within a person. We accept them at face value and we stop there. But guys, we are made to love and to have community within each other's puzzles. Each of us will meet different people that we consider mysteries to us- people that we cannot understand; but maybe, like me, you are so drawn to that enigma like a magnet, even though it's new, like you just want to understand them in a way no one else does, to love them fiercely.

Those people are my absolute favorite people for me. (Much love to my bacon-wrapped enigma; you are a perfect mystery with a key that I am so grateful to have and you're stuck with me forever).

I do not think we can ever fully 100% get puzzles. God places people and circumstances in our lives that we can never wrap our minds around completely, things only He is supposed to understand because He knows our hearts. But, I would venture to say that it's an irreplaceable feeling to know that someone out there is genuinely interested in your puzzling self, finds you worthy of picking up your pieces, to ask you what is in your puzzle. 

Some people will criticize your puzzle. Some people will tell you not to continue seeking the pieces of the puzzle, or that there are puzzles not worth valuing. But keep going! Keep seeking the puzzle pieces even if you are seeking alone. Because one day, even if that day is when all is unveiled, you will find that the mystery you've been diligently seeking to understand has had a purpose all along, and the puzzle has been worth every time you've wanted to quit or wondered if it really mattered.

LOVE and its infinite forms.

"Yes, love is all you need. But love takes many forms."

-SUSAN CAIN-

Most of my life, I have been naive to think that all people will show and feel love the same way. Sure, there is a love language test that does give indicator to what we prefer (you should take it), but it isn't the end all be all.After all, God IS love, so He certainly created an infinite number of ways to show it. Love can be shown in so many different ways, not just those summed up in five dimensions, and I see that I have failed to recognize that.

I adore words, particularly letters, probably a little too much. Written words, even if's it's just a sticky note, say to me "this person cared enough to pick up pen and paper and write it down." Written words are the only words I really absorb. However, it has become an issue that I have taken that to mean if a person doesn't write down that they love me, then they must not. How silly of me?

Our generation has lost the art of letter writing, so we typically only write people if they're spending a summer at a camp or in another country, or we write at the convenience of a person having a dry erase board outside their door, a quick "You rock" or "You are beautiful," which makes it really hard for those of us that do crave that form of interaction to really grasp what it means to feel loved. 

Now, my capacity to feel love is not too strong, as much as I wish it were. I am quick to be critical of myself and justify in my head why someone does or does not care much about me, whether or not they have used written words or not. It's something I have been thinking a lot about, and something I have begun to notice is this: love can be shown in ALL sorts of ways. 

Not everyone writes it out.
Not everyone is able or wants to spend time with a person all the time (introverts out there, yes).
Not everyone will do your dishes or fold your laundry.
Not everyone will hug you at first sight or rub your back to tell you that they're there.
Not everyone will always pay for your Chickfila, or give you a book for no particular reason.
Not everyone even voices it explicitly when they love someone at all because emotions are hard for some people.

Actually, sometimes love is hard to recognize, but it's almost always there. 

Sometimes it comes in the form of a telling jokes or out of laughter with another person.
Sometimes it's when someone sees you in the hallway and smiles- that isn't always just out of politeness, but maybe that their intuition told them you needed that smile.
Sometimes love is when someone sends you a message and talks about something they're struggling with, or maybe they accidentally unload some deep parts of their heart on you. This isn't always by accident but sometimes because they are really comfortable with you and admire your ability to listen.
Sometimes love comes in the form of tears because a person feels like they can be vulnerable with you. 

Sometimes love comes through writing a your favorite quote and sticking it on your friend's door because you want them to see it's beauty, too.

Sometimes love is when someone realizes that another person recognizes the deeper things in life, and finally understands them in a whole new way. 

Sometimes love is when a person stays up talking to you  and laughing over funny pictures until 2am, even when they have an early class the next day.
Sometimes love is offering up your space for another person that needs it for a little while. 

Sometimes love comes when a person who typically hates physical touch hugs you- think about it, if they hug you it must be because you mean a lot to them.
Sometimes love is knowing that someone thinks of you when they see your favorite thing on social media- keep in mind that they may not always tell you they were thinking about you, but they do. 

Sometimes love comes when someone asks you how you're doing. Could it be because they genuinely want to know?
Sometimes love is when someone sits down to pray and you are in their prayer journal [but you don't always know that]. 

I could go on for days because of how fresh this realization is of what how big of a concept love really is. I think love is whatever you want to make it. People all the time go through seasons of feeling like no one really understands or cares because they haven't done something. I know I am the world's worst that if someone doesn't reply to a text message or check on me after a big event in my life that they knew about or if they've never written me a letter or anything like that, it must mean that I am not important to them. I find it hard to accept love. However, I think I am seeing that love is displayed differently, and it doesn't always always have to be in public or even told to anyone. Sometimes it's so subtle, but that doesn't mean that no one cares. Perhaps we just have to learn to appreciate love in things that don't seem that way immediately. I encourage anyone out there struggling accept love or feel understood to take a step back- try to recognize the little things. You've probably got someone that is open and ready to love you, however they may show that. And I don't mean the "I love pizza" love either.

You are probably the reason that somewhere, someone isn't giving up, so don't give up on yourself so quickly. 

Feeling Defeated over Feeling Defeated.

As I sit down to write, I honestly do not know what I am wanting to write about or even why I am writing because it is not something I necessarily want to share. Blogging is such a strange balance of being open, but not like a diary. It will probably be the most scatter-brained blog ever to have been written, so just a heads up.

Until two hours ago, I had no plans to write anything because I have felt quite defeated lately. In one of my classes, every week we have several games, brain teasers, or tasks to make us think about different aspects of our lives, most of them geared towards self-help with a thought-provoking lesson attached to it. There is  at least one every week that always gets my wheels turning. One task for today involved writing three lies that we believe about ourselves, and it was no shock to me that my list of negative things could go on for days.

I want to be a consistent blogger, but I also do not want to write about things that I do not even have the ability to say I believe them for my own life. It  feels fake to write about "confidence" or "vulnerability" or "taking opportunities" or "stepping out of your comfort zone" when I still feel so inadequate. In all transparency, I am still learning how to be confident in who I am, how to be vulnerable with other people, what opportunities to take, the fact that accepting change is scary, and a million other things. If I write about those things, it must be because I am not longer struggling with them, right? It must be because I believe in my heart everything that is coming out of my fingers, right? If I haven't mastered them yet, I need to at least make the blog look like I discovered something profound, right?

Wrong, so wrong, but that is what I have always thought. I have not mastered any of those things above yet, and quite honestly, I feel like the things that I am learning the most right now are all topics that I am very far from believing or mastering. My brain feels like a big mass of thoughts that I am constantly dissecting. People can tell me things about myself all day long, but I am figuring out that until I really believe it for myself, it will make me feel good for while and with time it will fade. I cannot put my hope in other people for permanent fulfillment.

It's about believing that I was created worthy of knowing, worthy of love, worthy of being vulnerable and having people seeing my strengths and asking me for help.
It's about accepting that I may not know what opportunities are "right" because I can only see one step in front of me and that is okay.
It's about knowing that even when I do take risks, being scared is okay. 

It's about knowing that the fact that I have a love for other people so deep that it hurts is there for a reason, and I am worthy of expressing that.

This season of my life isn't a picture perfect thing where every week or month I have this huge concept that I have suddenly grasped and my life is forever changed. This season of my life is very puzzling and an emotional roller coaster with so much going on, things I may not even see or realize yet. My decision making is very slow and thought out, so I believe the Lord knows it will take me a while to grasp lessons that He so desperately wants to teach me, if I will continue to listen.

It's not about looking at other people to "be like them" because they have mastered something I can only dream of even seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Because chances are, they're looking at me thinking the exact same thing.
Now, even typing that statement out feels weird because I cannot even possibly imagine someone wanting to be like me in any aspect. I am odd and feeble and needy. However, I do know that comparison is a natural human mechanism. The question is, are we ever going to be able fully love ourselves? Or are we always going to believe lies that are planted in our mind?

That we are never adequate enough.

That tears are a sign of weakness. 

That we are a burden to everyone else. 

That we can never be successful.

That we are not capable of being leaders. 

That we are meant to be lonely.

That encouraging others is not necessary. 

That no one can ever understand us, so we don't deserve community. 

That we are not as good as someone else. 

That we will never meet our goals. 

That we will never feel complete joy ever again. 

That we are always second choice.

That we will never be more than our story tells us we are.

These are just a small handful of lies I came up with- it is a shame for me to admit how many of those are actually lies deep rooted within my own heart.

When are we going to start believing truth? Because the truth is, we are more than enough.

We are loved exactly where we are.
We can be broken.
We were meant for community.
There are people that do care deeply about us, even if they do not know how to show it completely because they're human too, searching for the same validation in some way.
We can be leaders because there is probably someone looking up to you every day that may never know how to voice that.
That we don't have to mimic someone else to feel worthy. 

We can love people deeply, and we should.
That our joy is not circumstantial, but rather it is a permanent gift we can accept, given to us in exchange for our scars and striving. 

That our words are meaningful, whether they are voiced or just space left for them. 

That whether you know it or not, there is Creator who has your name etched on the palm of His hand.

The reality is not everyone struggles with these same things, and I do not expect this to resonate with everyone. However, coming full circle back to the game, after reading what some other girls put on their cards, I realize they do believe a lot of the same lies as I do which means there is someone that needs this, and I can only hope that it gets to that person.

I encourage whoever reads this to make your own list. Write down the lies that you believe-things you know aren't true for other people but that you believe about yourself, whatever they may be about even if those lies are not related to this post at all. And then, counteract those lies. Counteract them with truth, even if you don't "believe" it right now. Just voicing them is a step.

I guess my final words to sum up this word vomit would be to know that you don't have to have it all together. My entire life has been attempting to get there, to overcome and believe things that I just don't yet.We are incapable of being capable (boy, that can be a freeing statement). You don't have to have learned this great big lesson and feel like life is all put together. It's okay to not know the perfect balance of vulnerability or to know exactly what the future looks like. And even though I still feel awkward writing about this because I don't feel like I can help  people overcome something that I haven't gotten to the other side either, I also was tired of feeling defeated over the fact that I am feeling defeated. So basically, I am here to finish with the fact that I am strangely learning that this is just a part of my story- and that my story is still worth fighting for. 

"I know that the experiences of our lives [when we let God use them] will become the mysterious preparation for the work He will have us do." Corrie Ten Boom

My Illinois Adventure.

    I am not a risk taker. I tend to stay on the "safe" side to avoid anything crazy. But what happens when God calls you outside of the "safe"? This summer, I went just that- crazy. I randomly, yet not-so-randomly, decided to drive 8 hours to a tiny, wonderful town in the Midwest full of corn, cows, and a really confusing square: Greenville, Illinois. You should have seen the look on people's faces when I told them I was from Mississippi and knew not a single soul until I arrived. "Why did you choose this place," they would ask. I didn't know the answer either. I went up there very excited because I knew there was a reason I was drawn there where everyone that worked had connections instead of anywhere else more logical, but I did not expect God to move in me the way He did. In just six weeks, Durley rocked my world more than anything has ever rocked it before.

    When I was driving up and got about an hour away, I panicked and immediately decided I may turn around. The only thing that stopped me was a text from my director, Rachel, (perfect timing, I tell you) asking when I would be there. I figured responding to that with "you need to find a new counselor" wasn't going to win me any style points with her. Upon arriving, I was all sorts of scared. I had been looking forward to meeting Rachel and the rest of the staff up until pulling in when this became my thought process: "Should I hug people? Will they like me? Will I like them? Aren't people up North not friendly (never believe stereotypes, guys). I'm so weird. They're all in the same shirt. I totally don't know what I'm doing. Who will I live with? Will they be creepy? Do I get to eat tonight? Should I have already eaten? Oh my gosh, I think she's hugging me. I love hugs. I'll hug her back. Okay, they're waving at me. Oh! Score, I just got invited to dinner and a movie. These people might not be so bad.....but I am still scared." Okay, go ahead and laugh. Looking back now, I certainly do. That night was go good. I was asked questions, they laughed with me, I was picked on- because after all, I did sound like a hillbilly to them. I even realized Rachel and I shared the same, sort of obscure favorite movie. It was that night I knew this summer was going to be something great.

    During staff training, I met some more people, but at this point still pretty scared to let loose. Not to mention we played "I'm going on a picnic" game, and I was one of the last to go out of forty people....I knew not a single name at that point, so it was interesting. I was introduced to all of the camp songs and prayers, none of which I picked up on that night. They did not warn me, however, that within a week, I would be singing these songs in my head 24/7, whether I wanted to be or not.

    I wish I could literally tell every detail about what I experienced, but I don't feel like I am supposed to share every moment of my summer through a blog post (however if you want to know, feel free to ask). I will say this though. Every bit of anxiety and fear I had turned into peace and joy. I made so many incredible friendships. I never went on a break without being invited to hang out with someone (although sometimes I desperately needed to introvert). The staff was always ready to encourage each other after having a few rough campers or cabin huddles.

    Speaking of campers, mine each week were fantastic. Tiring and challenging, and some days even extremely discouraging, but I loved it nonetheless. They were really the ones that pushed me to be goofy and carefree- after all, if the counselor isn't energized, the kids won't be either. And boy, is that true! I forget sometimes how innocent and honest children are, and there were many days when I needed that sweet reminder. Usually every morning around 8am, I can picture of of us singing the doxology, saying the Apostle's Creed, and conversing over what we're praising God for today- now I do parts of that routine by myself. Something I was told from day one and will probably carry forever is this: "Sometimes the kids that are hardest to love are the ones that need love the most." This statement was repeated so much this summer, and really I have no clue what goes on outside of the boundaries of camp, so why not love them with my whole heart while I had them?

    Returning home has been every bit of weird. First of all, the experience of living back under your family for the first time in over a year is quite odd and trying. I just miss camp where everyone gets the summer.  I  try to tell people here about camp, and it's so nice to talk about it, but it is also really hard. They try to get it, and I am so thankful for people that are willing to listen, but they can't get it because it's only an experience I have. I am still very much so at the stage where almost anything can connect me back to camp, a camper, a staff member, a song we sing, a game we played, a weird thing that happened, a memory of any sort. Not to mention, I miss my friends up there like crazy. I think the hardest part is knowing it will probably be a while until I see them again and that our relationship will be too different as our old lives have continued. I can no longer make work seem like new adventures. I feel like the Lord was so present this summer-what if that all ends because I go back to normal routine life?

***Secret: God doesn't stop working just because a season ends***

    This all did not hit me until the morning I left. I went and sat on the very empty dock of the lake, and all I could do was picture all the things that would normally be happening- Sam sitting in her lifeguard chair, me playing with her hair, Isaac being climbed on by all the kids, paddle boats all across the lake. I sat and cried for a while, then kept crying until about an hour into my trip. It was then that I realized that this place had very quickly come to feel like home, and I wouldn't ever get this same summer back.

    HOWEVER. I am not writing this to make anyone feel sorry for me or that I am not thankful for the time I spend at camp. Every moment there makes the pain I feel coming home SO worth it, and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I realize there are a lot of people coming home from their camps in in these coming weeks, and it's a tough spot. It's not something someone can tell you about to prepare you; it's a personal experience.

    Remember at the beginning when I said I tend to play it safe? Well, the key word, used to. I'm not about to go jump off of a mountain or anything (Really, who can do that?), but even though right now my heart is sad and longs to return, I also am trying to keep the perspective that this crazy summer of completely new experiences and people turned out so perfectly. Now, instead of being scared of new things and wondering if they'll be too scary, it's time to just start trusting that it will be a growth process. It's okay to be upset over the closing of certain doors, but I want to be exciting for the things ahead and the present moments I do still have.

    In the meantime, I am grateful for this summer I realized that God often works the deepest when we allow ourselves to be broken, where I actually touched a frog, where I learned to like plain black coffee, where I fell in love with St. Louis (seriously, guys, it's amazing the impact that city had), where I experienced canoeing for the first time, where I tried gooey butter cake and Thai food, where I got to participate in the sweetest engagement of the century, where I got good at asking deep questions, where I French braided someone's hair at least once a day, where I received a total of 67 letters/packages (you people back home rock at encouragement!), where I chose Mario's in the great pizza debate, where I found out I am claustrophobic, and where I had to produce more energy in a day than I ever had in my life for children.



 

 

Change: The closing of a chapter means there is a new season up ahead.

     Since I just erased my dry erase board that was filled with many resident's sweet notes for the last time this year, and I just said goodbye to most of the girls on my beautiful first staff, I figured it was as good a time as any to write about change.

     Let's be honest, change is hard. Change can be really, really hard. Some people thrive in change, some people go into recluse mode during change, and some people are seemingly unaffected by change. Regardless of which one of them you believe you are, I believe most of the people in this world that have any sort of emotions at all find change to be hard, a least a part of it. Whether it's being forced to move to a new city and starting life over, or finally walking down the aisle to begin another chapter of life with your soul mate, or losing a parent, or going through a tragedy, or getting into the college of your dreams, or something as simple as a new haircut---- there are a lot of emotions that come with ending one "season of life" and starting a new one. Sometimes it's dominated by excitement for the upcoming season; sometimes it's regret for not seizing every opportunity of that season you were presented with; sometimes it's nervousness of life's "what ifs"; sometimes it's pure joy that you've finally got to this place you've been striving for; sometimes it's anger because you just aren't understanding why this door closing/door opening thing is really necessary; ...and usually it can be all of these feelings at some point because change can be a hard pill to swallow.
     
     I find, more often than I would probably ever admit, that while I do have all of these emotions at once, my dominate emotion for change is sheer fear. Terror. Anxiety. Worry. Don't ask me why because I honestly could not tell you, but my natural reaction for change is just like the Israelites had when Moses led them into the desert for 40 whole years (talk about a long time to get used to the same surroundings), and then God gave them the Promised Land. The place God talked about was so beautiful and had many blessings awaiting the other side, but they didn't want to go because they were USED to the manna, the heat, the walking, the unpleasantness of the desert. God was trying to say that He had high ways in store for their next season of life, but they didn't want to readjust to the new things. So often, I do this. I feel like we all do this, maybe not on the same extreme levels, but we all have the same fear of "I like where I am at, so I would rather stay." 

   
     Here's the thing though: Life doesn't slow down. It's like a carousal, it never stops turning (Meredith Grey, again, for all my fellow Grey's lovers out there). I just finished my sophomore year of college, and I honestly feel like I just moved in to MC yesterday. I have to watch friends moving on into graduation and into their own lives of adulthood. I was blessed with over 30 beautiful girls, 7 insanely awesome staff members that turned into friends, and 1 incredible boss that has taught me so much in just 9 short months, and in the blink of an eye, it's gone. I have lived in the same dorm for 2 years, but next year I LEAVE. I don't get to spend my summer at home with family and friends----However, I DO get to START my junior year of college where I begin my major classes. I can stay in touch and be proud of those friends while getting to make new ones. I get 30 something more incredible NEW residents in August, 7 NEW ladies with beautiful hearts to serve and grow with, 1 MORE boss that I am sure I will also deeply admire in more unique ways. I DO get to move to a new dorm awaiting me new opportunities. I DO get to spend my summer serving as a camp counselor where I am looking to see how God is going to grow me. So we need to embrace all of that without disregarding that the "old" season was special, that while it is ending, the relationships formed through it and lessons taught during it don't have to end, and that the future WILL be exciting and just as stellar as the first, in it's own way that we may not see right away; we can't see the big picture.

     Saying all of this doesn't mean that I have it down perfectly. I, in fact, am far from perfect on the topic of "embracing change," ask anyone who decently knows me. However, I can say this because it doesn't matter what it looks like on the flip side. A huge difference is made in our attitude to say "His ways are higher, so I know that no matter what is on top of the next mountain, it's going to be grand one day." And that maybe, if we stop letting fear be the dominant emotion, it will be a whole lot easier to handle. Not to say that it's not okay to shed tears, I've shed many over all of this change. It's ago to be upset, to cry, to miss the old ways, to be angry, to be nervous, to feel inadequately prepared or so far from confident in yourself for the next challenge or roll you'll play. I know I do.

     But we are called to trust. We are called to be ready. Life doesn't stop, all things have to end at some point. This life is a mere breath in the scheme of eternity, so love with your whole heart and be ready when God calls you some new idea. There is a reason for it, He didn't step down from His thrown when He placed that new step in front of you. Pray for your season of change. Pray for the old, pray for the new. Be thankful for them both because even the most minuscule things play a role in your story because ultimately it's not your story, it's His in you.

     Here is to anyone who is going through a season of change. I know it's hard, and stressful, and it may turn out different than you expected (that is a whole other topic in itself because rarely do we plan anything perfectly). I identify with you and pray that this has been a tiny source of encouragement. Here's to the closing of doors and openings of others. Here's to change.